That Damn Morakis Kid
Low, dark blanket hanging overhead. Air’s hot, humid and heavy. Sky’s gonna explode any minute, you can just feel it. My front lawn could use a good soaking. Blades are curled up, brittle n brown—not that there’s anything wrong or unusual with that.
You see, that’s a perfectly normal state in the summertime. The grass goes dormant in the relentless sun only to spring back to life when the air cools and the water’s aplenty.
I know this because I am lawnman. The grandmaster of grass. The king of the blades. Yes. My thumb is a spring green and—given enough time and fertilizer—I can make any yard look like a putting green.
Not sure what brought this about in me, folks. Never thought of myself as, well, as my father. He was always quite meticulous about the landscaping. He’d grumble when the hoodies would use our slice of America as their thoroughfare.
“There’s that damn Morakis kid. Next time he steps foot on our lawn I’m gonna break his legs. Then he’d have to wheel himself down the sidewalk instead of trample on my grass.”
Something like that, my friends. See me pops always got the creative juices flowing when he got angry. Never heard I guy as quotable as my father in fits of anger. But we’re talking about grass here.
Know what? Screw it. Grass is boring. Let’s talk about my father’s quotes. That’s funny. Let's play a game. Match the situation with my father’s quote:
1. “Shit, piss and corruption!”
2. “I get as much respect as the man on the moon!”
3. “Once is an accident! Twice is stupidity and inconsideration!”
4. “Take your two f-ing dollars! You need it worse than we do!”
5. “There goes the whole goddamn season!”
6. “Take one more step, and I’ll f-ing deck you!”
7. “Get one of those things, and I’ll rip your ear off!”
8. “Financial f-ing ruin!”
a. Said to Greg after repeatedly knocking over Dad’s coral decoration.
b. Said to Greg after wrecking Dad’s Oldsmobile.
c. Said to family after hearing repeated smart-ass comments.
d. Said to some anonymous wanker at a soccer team fundraiser.
e. Said to Greg after asking if he can get an earring.
f. Said to a referee at an Under-14 soccer game.
g. Said to nobody in particular for nothing in particular.
h. Said to TV when any Tampa sports franchise loses their first game.
OK. OK. I know it may look as if my father is a tempermental freak with serious anger issues, which is exactly the case. But we all love him dearly and accept him and his testosterone-fueled rages.
Answers tomorrow.
GM
You see, that’s a perfectly normal state in the summertime. The grass goes dormant in the relentless sun only to spring back to life when the air cools and the water’s aplenty.
I know this because I am lawnman. The grandmaster of grass. The king of the blades. Yes. My thumb is a spring green and—given enough time and fertilizer—I can make any yard look like a putting green.
Not sure what brought this about in me, folks. Never thought of myself as, well, as my father. He was always quite meticulous about the landscaping. He’d grumble when the hoodies would use our slice of America as their thoroughfare.
“There’s that damn Morakis kid. Next time he steps foot on our lawn I’m gonna break his legs. Then he’d have to wheel himself down the sidewalk instead of trample on my grass.”
Something like that, my friends. See me pops always got the creative juices flowing when he got angry. Never heard I guy as quotable as my father in fits of anger. But we’re talking about grass here.
Know what? Screw it. Grass is boring. Let’s talk about my father’s quotes. That’s funny. Let's play a game. Match the situation with my father’s quote:
1. “Shit, piss and corruption!”
2. “I get as much respect as the man on the moon!”
3. “Once is an accident! Twice is stupidity and inconsideration!”
4. “Take your two f-ing dollars! You need it worse than we do!”
5. “There goes the whole goddamn season!”
6. “Take one more step, and I’ll f-ing deck you!”
7. “Get one of those things, and I’ll rip your ear off!”
8. “Financial f-ing ruin!”
a. Said to Greg after repeatedly knocking over Dad’s coral decoration.
b. Said to Greg after wrecking Dad’s Oldsmobile.
c. Said to family after hearing repeated smart-ass comments.
d. Said to some anonymous wanker at a soccer team fundraiser.
e. Said to Greg after asking if he can get an earring.
f. Said to a referee at an Under-14 soccer game.
g. Said to nobody in particular for nothing in particular.
h. Said to TV when any Tampa sports franchise loses their first game.
OK. OK. I know it may look as if my father is a tempermental freak with serious anger issues, which is exactly the case. But we all love him dearly and accept him and his testosterone-fueled rages.
Answers tomorrow.
GM
posted by Greg Monaco at 9:15 AM
3 Comments:
Here's my go at it:
1.f
2.c
3.b
4.d
5.h
6.a
7.e
8.g
Ok, but I feel like I am cheating since I was there for most if not all of these famous quotes.
1. G
2. C
3. A
4. D
5. H
6. F
7. E
8. B
I must however take issue with a couple of things in this post. First, if Dad was so into his landscaping, he would have never let you mow the damn lawn. Folks I don't know what has happened to my brother, but this is the same person who would run over the cord to the electric lawn mower just to get my Dad to buy an gas mower. He should have gotten you the Fred Flintstone mower as a punishment. 2nd, you can substitute Morakis for any freakin kid in the neighborhood. That f-ing Coccaro kid or that f-ing Flomp!!
Dad is the best
AB, 50%.
Perry, 100%.
AB gets extra credit though because she hasn't experienced dad in action.
It's a tie.
That e-mower didn't mow crap. Actually, it did mow crap. Dog crap and rotten oranges is all it could blade through. That thing would blend em up into a dog crap and orange smoothie. Come to think of it, I think the mower was made by Orester or Kitchen Aid. I should've just passed on mowing and let dad keep the $3.
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